Geek2Geek - Find your Geek Match

Advice from the Geek Goddess.





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Dear Geek Goddess:

I'm not sure where to start... I was wanting to wait until I hit a decade of not dating just to have some achievement that other folks would not even want... and that is 6 months away.  However, it hasn't been all bad.  I suppose a big reason as to why I wasn't going to look back was the last gal seemed swell, my parents liked her, and yet my understanding that it was mutually exclusive and she had other designs.  Shame too, because she got more headshots in UT3 than I could.  However, because of the mess, I've been leery of getting back in the lurch again.  I assume that it won't always be like this, but is there anything specific that I could keep an eye out for in future ventures?

Although I’m sure there’s no absolute way to know whether someone is completely nuts or just "quirky", some people have a tendency to attract the completely insane.  Do you have a history of relationships where someone was unfaithful to you or just the one instance?  If just the one, then I say you’ve been playing the violin too long (no, I’m not being dirty) and you need to get over her and move on, unless you like being alone.  And I know you’ve said it hasn’t been all bad, and that’s fantastic.  I wish more people would be comfortable with the idea of not being in a constant relationship.  In terms of specifics, though, I would say asking about past relationships might be a healthy clue in the right direction.  Having an open discussion about previous relationships and what went wrong is a good way to start a relationship and find out what you may be getting into.

Dear sweet Geek Goddess,

    I'm a 23 year old geek lady in love and in a relationship with a 26 year old geek guy. We've been together 6 months. The first 5 months were wonderful with the exception of never doing anything together besides playing Magic: The Gathering. I was okay with this just as long as I was spending time with him...but lately he's not around very much and when he is, he's distant. I suspect that he's began to see his ex girlfriend, World of Warcraft. He only wants to see me when it's very late and I'm falling asleep or right before he has to go to work. I don't understand why he won't just end our relationship if he would rather be with World Of Warcraft. I would marry this man, I'm so in love with him. What's a girl to do?

-Damsel in Distress

Not to be a Negative Nelly, but are you sure the ex-girlfriend in this situation is World of Warcraft and not an actual ex-girlfriend?  These are pretty classic "I’m cheating on you" symptoms you’re defining but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re correct.

In that case, you two pretty much only were around each other for 5 months straight, all the time?  During that time did he swear off WoW or just take a break?  It’s fine if he wants to play WoW but you need to explain to him that he needs to tell you that’s what going on otherwise you are going to get the wrong idea.  Also, you NEED to be okay with him wanting time away from you, as long as he devotes time to you as well and he is attentive during that time.

Also, here’s a crazy thought…do you have any interest in playing WoW with him, since you played Magic with him…it might be a way to bond as well.

Dear Geek Goddess,

I find myself with a serious problem of wording and fear, and need to know how to stop myself from causing the end of another life.  Please do not think of me as mad, I did not murder anyone, but I have great guilt and have to relive the pain from the worst mistake of my own life.

About five years ago now, I began talking to a younger girl through a website I used regularly.  Under my understanding, this was a platonic relationship, and I was helping her through her own problems.  She had a long list of things she was dealing with, and I wanted to make her feel better.  We never met in person.  After a long time, she admitted to me her feelings for me... She thought I was her boyfriend and told me she was in love with me.  I told her that I had a girlfriend and that I was only her friend.  She committed suicide.

I know I cannot make that go away, but I have since pushed into the field of psychiatry.  I know, I am a glutton for punishment.  I am still in school, but I have found myself with a similar situation beginning.  A woman I have met through a blogsite has been talking with me more regularly recently, and I decided to give her my number.  I was interested in possibly making more of our relationship.  We began talking through text and I realized I didn't want to be more than friends with her, but noticed she was clinging to our txt conversations, and talking about meeting me in person and how cool it was going to be.  I found out she believes she is in love with me... furthermore, that I complete her and that she needs me to love her back.  I tried carefully defining love and what it means to be in love, tried explaining that you have to become whole before you can expect to find that one person that fits with you perfectly, but she isn't accepting it and keeps talking like we will get married in a few years...

I am scared, not for myself, but that if I were to end this, it would not be clean... and she might do the same thing... But I am also afraid that if I do not clearly cut this relationship so that she doesn't depend on me becoming her lover, she will end up pushing me to a point where I explode.  I am built in a dangerous way, my mind stores information just so, that I take information and store it.  If she tries to guilt me into a relationship, I will eventually tear her world down through forcing out all of her problems, breaking down all her beliefs, and leaving her.

There is no right way for this to work, simply because of how I react when pushed too far.  I need a way to make her see that we won’t work, without hurting her too much, and without ending this friendship.

Thank you,

First of all, I’m truly sorry you had to deal with the loss of a friend in such a severe way.  It clearly has affected you and your entire outlook on relationships, whether they be platonic or otherwise.  That being said, I think you need to stop blaming yourself for her suicide.  She clearly was a troubled girl and you were already aware she had problems, so her suicide was not caused from you telling her you were simply her friend, but rather a long time in the works.

This woman you have recently met and started to communicate with deserves to know how you really feel.  If you continue to string her along and not let her know either way how you feel, it will not only affect you to the point where you explode but also hurt her more in the long run.  A simple "I don’t think we are hitting it off and I’m sorry if I misled you into thinking so" would be fine.  I understand you don’t want to hurt her but at the same time, you can’t sacrifice your own happiness for someone else’s in every situation. 

Also, a general word of advice…perhaps you should consider why you are attracting these women who are clingy and disturbed.  It seems to be a pattern that is causing you pain.

Dear Geek Goddess,

well to be blunt i have never just started up a conversation with another girl and don't know how to really. my problem is that i never had a chance to talk to a girl because in grade and middle school i was the one everyone hated for no other reason other than being different from everyone else and then i went to an all guy school so i never had a chance to practice or anything (plus i'm shy around women so that doesn't help). so some advice would be nice.

I’m going to be blunt right back and tell you to get over it.  This isn’t junior high, this is your adult life, and people should be valued for being different.  If you want to start a conversation and have no idea how, you can just start with "hi, I’m so-and-so, and I decided to come and talk to you because <fill in actual reason too, and not a lame fake one because we can tell when you’re lying>".  Try it and let me know how it goes!


All of my advice is open for comment.  I always like to hear from my fellow readers, whether you have a question of your own or comments about my good and/or bad advice.  

Please send your questions about dating and relationships to [email protected]




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