Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Advice

Advice from the Geek Goddess.





Please send your questions about dating and relationships to [email protected]

I'm now on Twitter. Follow me there

Dear Geek Goddess,

While a lot of your advice is great, most of it seems to be geared toward heterosexual dating. How about including more info regarding same-sex relationships?


You're right – but the fact is, I just don't get ANY letters asking same-sex specific advice.   I encourage all types of people to write in and ask me anything related to geek-dating.  Same-sex relationships should be treated and taken as seriously as hetero relationships, however, so I would say that any straight advice I have can go both ways.   Yes, pun intended.


Dear Geek Goddess,

I am 19 years old, a virgin, never had a date, never kissed a girl for that matter. I am very shy and have no idea how to talk to girls. It's starting to  get where I am so depressed by all this I never want to do anything with my
friends anymore. I do not think I am ugly or anything I mean I know I am not hot by todays standards but I am not hideous either I am just average. It takes me a long time to warm up to people and talk. hell even my friends I have known since 1st grade I am still shy around.


It is also very hard for me to find a girl I am attracted to as a person not just for their looks. In my life there has been only 1 person who I have been attracted to and we were the best of friends but she lived in California and I on the other side of the USA. I say were cause i think I did something to mess that friendship up though I do not know what as she has not talked to me for about 2 months.This just make me more saddened by my prediciment.


I am not even looking to have sex with a girl as I view sex as something you only do with someone you really love and people do not understand that about me it seems. they always want to try to tell me how to do things but I really don't agree with their views on relationships and such. I am writing this to see if you could tell me something different or if they are right and i am just a weird one haha.

Please if you can give me some advice on how to meet a girl.




You're not weird by any means, you are relatively normal.  From what I've read in your letter you are a likeable and honest person who needs to learn to convey that to anyone who you may be interested in.   The real problem is that you are too shy to socialize, and of course, that will stagnate anyone's love life.  Most people resolve this by doing everything online, which is not beyond possibility – the internet has made this possible and so therefore you have an advantage that someone twenty years ago would not have had.  


Now before I go too much into an advertisement for this site's services, what I would suggest is to meet people online who live in your area, arrange dates with them and actually GO OUT on them.   You can suggest seeing a movie, which would help if you are uncomfortable talking one on one, face to face.  Be up front about who you are – a girl would appreciate knowing that those awkward silences aren't because of the fact that she's boring, but rather because you are extremely shy.   Nothing helps people to learn to do something than practice, so start making dates and go in with the attitude that you don't have to marry the person, but rather you will get experience out of it.


Lastly, it sounds like you need to get over your California girl.  Not to sound flippant about it, but move on and hopefully this will help improve your outlook on life.


Dear Geek Goddess,


Is honesty always the best policy?  I am pretty straightforward with my values, but I am afraid that it is scaring potential guys away from getting to know me.  Is it a good thing to post about your morality on your profile, or is it best to reveal your deeply held beliefs at a later date, once you've gotten to know somebody?  I don't want to feel like I'm leading a guy on by concealing my values, but at the same time I don't want him to discard me without getting to know me first!  Help!




There is something to be said about leaving some information for the actual first date or the phone.   If your profile is twelve pages long, some people might get bored and move to the next profile.  After all, if movie previews showed the whole movie, no one would actually pay to see it.   Get to know someone first and if you feel like they are a person worth sharing your beliefs and thoughts and fears and wishes with, then by all means do so.  


Dear Goddess of Geeks,

I'm in my early 20s with a baby. My child was born into a committed relationship that ended when the father decided he wasn't cut out for fatherhood and walked out. After I got over him, I've been attempting to meet new guys, and start dating. The problem is a lot of guys completely lose interest when the fact that I'm a mother comes up. I've tried being up front about it, but that ends up with me standing alone at parties. I've tried not bringing it up until the first, second, third dates, but it always ends up that the guy I'm with will make an excuse and end it there, as soon as the words "I have a child" leave my lips. The only guys who've been willing to stay are much older, as in, closer to my parent's age than mine. 

How should I broach the subject of a child/is there anything that I can do to help from ending up in this situation as regularly as I do? My daughter is the world to me, and I wont be giving her up just too pick up dates. But I'd like to try and have an adult relationship I can be happy with as well. 

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.


First of all, congratulations on deciding to start dating again!  Being a single parent is a lot of work, and so internet dating is a great place to start when you devote a huge amount of attention to your child.  


There is only one way to bring up the subject of having a child, and that is to be completely up front and honest about it as possible.   You don't have to start a conversation with it, but if the conversation leads to a date or the possibility of getting together at a later date, then you could be as blunt as "By the way, I really hope this doesn't spoil anything, but I have a child, and if you are uncomfortable with that, then you should let me know before going any further with this."   This way you are not hiding anything and couldn't possibly be accused of doing so, and you are also finding out a vital piece of information, which is whether or not this person is serious about you.  


Since you are in a more "permanent" situation, anyone who loses interest in dating you because you have a child is really not the right person for you.   Your child comes first; your love life comes second.  Anyone who you become involved with will need to understand that, and if they cannot accept your child, then they cannot accept you and you should just move on

All of my advice is open for comment.  I always like to hear from my fellow readers, whether you have a question of your own or comments about my good and/or bad advice.  

Please send your questions about dating and relationships to [email protected] 



Previous letters