Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Advice

Advice from the Geek Goddess.





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Dear Geek Goddess:  

Some so-called rule books say females shouldn't initiate contact. What's your take on that? Is it true the guy will take the girl for granted if she makes the first contact?

Curious Girl

I think you might want to check the publication date on those so-called rule books, CG, and maybe when you see that you have the latest 1958 edition, you may want to re-think that idea.

Before I could say whether it's true or not that a guy will take a girl for granted if she makes the first contact, we should probably define "first contact".   If a girl asks for a guy's phone number, and that's "first contact", then no, of course she won't be taken for granted.  The guy will probably end up being relieved he didn't have to ask first.   If a girl makes the first "move", for example kissing a guy at the end of a date, I still don't think there's any risk of her being taken for granted.   I still think relief is in order.  If she completely skips the kiss and goes straight for sex, then yes, she probably will get taken for granted but there's probably some monetary exchange involved as well.   Maybe.  If she's making the first contact with another planet, then she'll probably win a Nobel prize, be able to get a date with any geek she wants, and probably isn't the dating type anyway.

Dear Geek Goddess,


Thank you in advance for having the courage to assist in Geek Love, and I appreciate any guidance you might be able to provide. 

In high school, I was very close to a wonderful lady-geek, but I made two big mistakes. First of all, I was terrified of girls and treated them like aliens, and therefore had no taste in women. Secondly, I lived in denial of my own geek status, and instead of being naturally socially awkward, I became awkwardly social and was kinda a hip guy at my arts school. One day, this fellow geek and I have a serious talk, and I am greatly taken aback when she confesses feelings for me. I am honest, so I tell her that I never saw her like that, and so I couldn't reciprocate. She then asked me if I thought I could ever have feelings for her. Not wanting to lead her on in any way, I said no. After that, we drifted apart, more from my awkward than hers. 

I'm a year away from finishing film school. I have flexed my geeky wings and been pleased by the sound. I am still in contact with her, but it has grown pretty superficial. However, her geek taste and my geek taste have grown very similar. I have found moderate financial success a dozen state lines from home; she has been barely scraping by in our hometown. I want to live/study abroad for a couple years after I graduate, and I have the means to, but I have found it difficult to live alone. 

My dilemma is, I have this crazy desire to invite my old friend to come with me, as a roommate / classmate / lifeline. I know from my experience with going away for school that I will probably fail if I try to break into a new culture on my own, so it is worth it to me to drag someone along. I know her dreams enough to know that she would probably enjoy it more than I would, because her geek roots are deeper. I can't get the idea out of my head, but I am afraid to mention it. 

So to sum it up from her perspective, an old friend but an old flame kinda shows up suggesting to do something that she has always wanted to do but never been able to, but the catch is that they'd have to be close again. I know she is struggling back home, and also might feel like she'd be abandoning her current long time roommate. 

My concern is that the two of us may have grown too far apart and that my proposition is going to sound creepy. We are both people of decent scruples, and I did have a good reputation in high school. But it has been a couple years since our last heart to heart. My other concern is that I may have permanently deflated our friendship. And how much the past might doom this from the start. I feel pretty weird asking anyone to come with me, let alone any girl, and yes, especially this girl, because I'm definitely beginning to regret what I said to her back then. 

Should I push this out of my head to save myself a world of embarrassment? From an outside perspective, is it weird / creepy? What do I need to ask myself in order to deal with this properly?


The first question you need to ask yourself is whether or not these feelings have grown from an actual desire to have this person so deeply entangled in your life again, or because you're afraid to be alone?

It sounds a bit like the latter versus the former.  You express a deep concern for going abroad on your own, yet you have the desire to try new things, but you feel you can't do it by yourself.   So wouldn't asking her to be in your life again in a whole new, strange, foreign situation be the same as using her to get what you want? 

I understand if you had written to me saying "I feel I made a huge mistake and told a girl who had feelings for me that I didn't have feelings for her when I did", then I could understand your reasoning.   But at no point did you say that you have feelings for this girl.  You just state that her situation might make her feel vulnerable enough to have her come along with you.  

Also, her feelings aside, it sounds like you need to try this whole "new experiences abroad" thing on your own.  You say that based on your experiences, you will probably fail.  Why should you have that attitude?  Maybe if I understood what was functionally wrong with you, then I could sympathize, but maybe if that's the case, you shouldn't go abroad in the first place.

What you need to ask yourself is whether you would want this girl as a roommate/classmate/lifeline anywhere, or just in a situation where you are outside of your comfort zone.   Once you have that answer, then you know what you should do.

Dear Geek Goddess,

Hey, I want to reply about the "nice guy" and "I just want to be friends" thing. I have told a lot of guys that they are nice, but I have said it in different ways. Mostly when I say that I like the guy and I follow it up with some kind of positive body language and direct eye contact. It is all in the tone of the voice and how she delivers that message to you I have never said "I just want to be friends" though...I think that is just death to anyone. Some girls think that by saying those things spare the feelings and ego of the guy. It sucks, but some girls do that. 

Good point, thanks for the reality check.

All of my advice is open for comment.  I always like to hear from my fellow readers, whether you have a question of your own or comments about my good and/or bad advice.  

Please send your questions about dating and relationships to [email protected] 


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