Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Advice

Advice from the Geek Goddess.





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Dear Geek Goddess,


I guess that is the correct way to start this email message.  I've read your responses to people, and I liked the advice you have given them.  I hope you can give me some good advice and steer me into the right direction.  I am a 26 year-old male living in the Chicago area.  I've been in two serious relationships in my life that have lasted a few years.  I haven't actually dated anyone in three years, as I had suffered the loss of my Mother and my Grandfather three years ago.  I was not interested in dating anyone, and have been anti-social up until the last few months.


Recently, I have been quite a bit more social and I feel that I've set aside the emotional baggage.  I want to get back into dating, and I've been attempting the bar and club scene, but it doesn't seem to be for me.  The type of woman I am looking for doesn't seem to exist, or at least, to be looking for someone like me.  My life is mostly on a computer, as I work for a well known search engine company, and a lot of my entertainment comes from Internet usage and computer game playing.  I do go out to bars with friends every weekend, and I catch the occasional movie.  I spend a fair amount of time going to arcades like Dave and Busters or Game Works.  The last books I have read are "Running Linux" and "DNS and BIND" to give you an understanding on how geeky I am.  The woman I am looking for is someone who shares some of those same interests.  She does not have to be as extreme of a geek as I am, but at least have the passion for some of the same things. It seems like most women I have met or talked to that share those interests are either taken or are looking for someone completely different.  I really have no other requirements in my perfect woman.  Would you say I am doomed to a single life?  It seems like most women on are not looking for true computer geek men.


No one is doomed to a single life, not even computer geeks.  Okay, kidding aside, it sounds to me as though you have just been off the scene for a while and not without good reason.  You’ve had two serious relationships so it seems that you know how it works, and are capable of maintaining a relationship so that’s good – there’s clearly nothing wrong with you so I don’t need to give you the "stop looking at only the pretty girls" speech.


I’ll tell you which direction I would never steer you or anyone in is the bar and club scene. You’ve figured this out for yourself that it isn’t for you, but the reason for that is probably that you’re not looking for a one-night stand, as so many people in bars and clubs are, you’re looking straight for a relationship.  Why?  Probably because that’s what you’ve experienced, and now that you’re ready for it again, you want to get right back into it.  But relationships don’t just occur overnight – they’re formed through different methods – friendship, acquaintances and dating are three that come to mind. 


You say you go out to bars with friends every weekend – first of all, why do you persistently go out to bars if you don’t think the scene is for you?  Okay, that’s where all of your friends are and friends are a great place to start.  I’m not saying that you should just go out and start dating all of your friends right off the bat but perhaps start digging into the network of your friends and see whom they know.  You probably don’t want to straight out ask your friends if they have friends for you to date – that might sound a bit desperate, but maybe suggest that everyone go out to dinner one night and bring a friend of theirs, you’d be surprised who you’d meet that way.  Maybe you should start planning different types of outings – a change from the bar/club/arcade scene. Try organizing a venture to comedy clubs, theaters, or different venues.  You live in Chicago – there are some great interactive places to go out on the weekends, and not expensive either! 

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