Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Advice

Advice from the Geek Goddess.





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 Dear Geek Goddess,

I'm sure you're busy and I know this is long so take the time you need to read it and reply. 

I'll just tell you where I'm coming from and I bet a lot of other geeks/nerds would sympathize.  I know I'm a nerd and I'm proud.  A female friend of mine calls me a quasi-nerd.  A fitting term because I love video games, sci-fi, technology, and I'm intelligent but I enjoy seeing the sun, don't live with my parents (in the basement or attic), don't have a pocket protector, I have been laid, etc.

My problem is that when I try to find a match based solely on my standards I consistently come up with little to nothing.  My preferences are very rare to women (video games, sci-fi, and technology).  Ethically and morally I'm a liberal Christian (yes they do exist) but I'm not spiritual or religious.  Women, as I understand it, tend to be very spiritual and passionate.  I don't want a woman on cigarettes or drugs, maybe just a moderate drinker.  I won't accept fat (a doctor can declare you to be obese/unhealthy) women.  Call me shallow but I dated a large girl and I wasn't turned on.  I have met a few girls that seemed PERFECT but they were engaged, hooked up, not interested in me, like me as a friend, etc.

We've all heard that "opposites attract" but that sounds like a science law.  It may apply when two people are arguing so much that it turns into some kind of natural lust reaction, as in "I hate you so much I want to f**k you."  I'm definitely not interested in women who aren't anything like me.

I feel like I am in the minority on EVERYTHING.

I am on 21 different dating sites including Geek 2 Geek -- I counted.  I have received less than 20 replies from all sites over 4 years; most of those just stopped replying after 1-2 emails.  I've only met 4 of them offline and the one that went past one date was 100 miles away and didn't respect the distance I had to drive in order to see her.

I am an intelligent, logical, and rational person.  I know that I'm fun and that people like me because I have more friends that I have time to hang out with.  If I have any enemies then I am unaware of them.  I am good looking and thin with blue eyes and a clear complexion.  I am such a great person that the only part of my life that I am unhappy with is my lack of a dating life.

I'm sure all of this sounds like a lot of "have pity on me" complaining.  I know that none of these are entirely unique to me but all of them together don't help my confidence.  Please respond honestly and bluntly, that is the only way I'll understand.  Any ideas or do I just have to be REALLY patient, I'd appreciate your help.

Thank you in advance for your advice,


P.S. Some advice that has helped and hurt me is David DeAngelo.  He's helped me by understanding how the attraction process works but hurt me because I'm always second guessing my actions and thoughts in endless logic loops.  Then David and others tell me to be confident in myself.  If being myself was the answer then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.  Maybe I don't get what David is trying to tell the guys that are unsuccessful with women.  He states that "ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE" and it makes a lot of sense when I read his explanations of why women test men and why women have a reputation for being irrational.  Maybe he's wrong but it sounds right so he's received some of my money.

Hi Josh -


Maybe your expectations are too high. I don't mean in terms of what kind of woman you're looking for - everyone has the right to decide who they want to be with. If you're not attracted to a certain type of woman, then that's fine, don't settle. You don't seem shallow to me - you did date a large girl, gave it a chance, but it wasn't for you. Perhaps your high expectations lie more in the fact that you're expecting to find the perfect woman so fast and easily by aggressively seeking her out.


Yes, patience is a virtue, and yes, it sounds like you do need to be a little more patient. This may sound like a cop-out answer, but you mention that women have a reputation for being irrational and like to test men. Some women can sense desperation like a dog can sense fear.

You seem too eager to find the perfect woman. They know this and it's not attractive to them. Women are weird. I know this firsthand, I'm one of them!


Also, confidence is definitely not your problem. You think that you are likeable, you say you're attractive, you find yourself to be "such a great person". You don't mention how you are when you do meet a girl. My guess is a bit cocky. Perhaps a little too "in-your-face"? It seems that you want a girl to know right off the bat who you are and what you want from her. Maybe you want them to realize firsthand how great you are, or how great you think you are? Is it all about telling them what YOU want?

Dating is about that, but not right away, that's what dating is for, to discover people. Women love talking about themselves. When you meet one that seems like she has good potential, ask her all about what she's interested in, what she likes, dislikes, etc. Then you can decide if she measures up to your personal standards.


You say it's rare for women to be into sci-fi, video games and technology. Since when? It's the 21st century, and there are all sorts of women into those things nowadays. Even women who aren't geeks. Okay, maybe the cutie ex-sorority girl in the marketing department isn't, who asks why her printer is broken when it's out of paper. Maybe the world isn't swarming with them, but there are women who pride themselves on being up on technology, or who can take you in any first person shooter game.


- The Geek Goddess